October 13, 2007 by Chrissy.

Ciao-Ciao,

I trust all is well with everyone. I hope that you’re embracing each day - gratitude. Look for the little things…they’re everywhere. I wish you lots of laughter for this weekend. It feels good to laugh! And, laughing is healing…and healing is the name of my game.

CrazySexyCancer - My Thoughts.

Many people have commented that I should sit down and watch the TLC documentary called, “Crazy Sexy Cancer”. I have watched it a few weeks back, and I’ve been meaning to comment on it. Now, these are just my opinions…obviously very affected by the fact that I’ve been told I have terminal cancer…so, if you enjoyed the film, that’s cool. Overall, it was a great flick…a flick that only skimmed the surface of cancer and its affected on one’s body, one’s relationships, one’s connection with the Divine, etc.

I found myself feeling anger as the film rolled along. She’s beautiful, walking around without pain, driving in a car across country visiting different healing centres, not needing help to cook meals, get dressed, shower, lean over and grab something that has dropped on the floor….she seems healthy and happy for the most part. Perhaps I’m jealous? In fact, I’ll tell you that I am. She didn’t seem “sick” to me. She didn’t appear to be ravaged by some mysterious killer moving about her body.

I wish that I didn’t have cancer in my spine, my pelvis - this journey would be a little easier to navigate, so to speak. It’s the pain. The pain grinds on me. I pray for the days where my pain level is only a 2 out of 10. And from one day to the next, I don’t know how my body will respond to the rising sun.

I’m more like that woman in NY who was a tad quirky…looped on various drugs, crazy wigs that she changed all the time, numerous doctors’ visits, an intensely sarcastic sense of humour, and visited with several healing alternatives like drumming for the soul. The other women in the film that she followed alongside herself reflected more of what cancer is truly like. It was those characters…well, real people…that I resonated with. I could understand them…their pain, their struggle.

I don’t know. Perhaps the film makers were going for a more positive spin on the experience (and yes, there is a positive side to having cancer…still trying to that figure out). However, cancer is not all about road trips and sipping grass out of a sippy cup. It changes everything. EVERYTHING. My relationship with my husband is so very different. We’re still trying to understand how we “work” under these circumstances. I hate that he’s my nurse. I want him to just be my husband…but “in sickness and in health”, you’ve got to do for your partner what you gotta do. My interaction with my daughter, Mattea, is what breaks my heart the most. I can’t hold her standing up. I have a hard time cuddling her because of discomforts. Some mornings I’m in so much pain, I don’t want her around because she KNOWS that mommie isn’t well. She looks directly into my eyes, and she speaks to me. “It’s OK mom. I know. I understand. I love you.” What I wouldn’t give to have these tumors in my back vanish, so that I can hold her, toss her into the air, roll with her on the floor, push her in a stroller, take her swimming…the list goes on and on. I just wanna be like every other mom. I feel so fu*king robbed at times. This is when the anger kicks in.

When I’m healed, I won’t go back to work right away…I will take time off to be a “real” mom (in every sense of the word). I can’t wait for that…to chase her about a park as she screams with delight at the prospect that she’s gonna get caught. After all, mom’s better…and can run just as fast as she can. Then I grab her and we fall into a big pile of autumn leaves, and we both burst out in laughter.

After watching the film, Tony and I said that someone should follow us around for 24 hours and document our daily/nightly routine. Then, and only then, will you have an idea of what having and living with cancer is truly like. Taste the bitterness. My bad. I don’t mean to slam the film, I just wish they would have dug a little deeper.

For me, this experience is about acceptance…such an easy word to say, to spell, but one hell of a concept to actually “GET” and “APPLY”.

Cancer demands that you become a student, and I’m learning so many lessons - each day. I’ve entered doctorate school and don’t remember sending in the application. Oh well, I’ll open the textbooks; I’ll do my readings; I’ll attend my tutorials; I’ll hand in my assignments. I hope to pass with flying colours. I’ve never failed at anything in the past. Why start now? My healing continues.

CrazySexyCancer? Crazy, yes. Sexy, no.

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October 7, 2007 by Chrissy.

…if only I knew that a conversation I had once with Tony would carry into the future to become a reality.

Tony and I were living in Costa Rica, and the mole on my eyelid started to darken and get bigger. It was also starting to cause some “gooping” in the mornings and made it hard for me to wear contacts. We were discussing the option of forfeiting my ticket home, but Tony suggested I go back and get the mole checked out - just in case.

I sat on the bed and stared at him for a moment. I’m not usually emotional, but tears welled up in my eyes. I looked at him and said, “what if the mole is cancer and they have to remove my right eye?” Tony started to laugh and stated, “that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard”. And we both started to laugh.

Turns out, that conversation turned into reality later that year. I returned home, one doctor led to the next, which led to the next and removing my right eye was a very real option. Thankfully, I had three talented surgeons who all fought hard to save my right eye…and I was cancer free by December 2005…or so we thought.

No one knows when the cancer came back. It could have been the day they stitched me up from my final plastic surgery…or maybe it reappeared the day I became pregnant - hormones started to rage as my body started to “shake and bake” a new human life.

And…I recall years ago when Tony and I were younger and first started to date. We were discussing things we “wouldn’t be able to handle”. Being young and vein, the first topic was disfigurement. We both echoed that neither of us would be able to handle any scaring or disfigurement of the face (few years later, I faced that reality…and found the strength to deal with disfigurement if that’s what was going to be). The next topic was watching a loved one wilt away of a terrible disease…and here we find ourselves in a reality that was once documented as one of our biggest fears.

One good thing has come of this, I won’t have to wear a pirate patch. That bridge has come and gone. I’m happy that I still have my two eyes…that’s vanity for yeah!

Funny conversations.

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October 1, 2007 by Chrissy.

Up until three days before my benefit shin-dig, I finally met a woman who has done so much for my family in the past few weeks. What’s special is that she lent a hand without ever meeting me.

This perfect stranger, or shall I say angel, heard about my story via some friends working the high dining cir cut at the Stampede. From there, she made contact with us via my next door neighbour (Six Degrees of Separation - who also knows my perfect stranger and who is also an amazing soul.)

She met Tony first and jumped into helping us with whatever we needed. Tony would go visit with her and her hubby and every time Tony left to meet with her, he’d come back with the best healing gifts - the mother Buddha statue, a mini indoor waterfall and wine galore. And those of you who know me well know that wine is my WEAKNESS!

Anyhoo, not only did this perfect stranger give of gifts, but she gave me something more important - hope and a renewed belief that there are so many amazing people out there in the world who are willing to help with huge sacrifice.

My perfect stranger gave so much of her time, her energy, her heart. And she did all of this without ever even meeting me. The day I finally shook her hand, I looked at her and felt I had known her a long, long time.

I look for to having her, and her husband, in my life.

A toast to my perfect stranger.

PS: And yes, I love ALL of you…and appreciate everything you do for me…I just wanted to send a special shout out to a really amazing soul who has gone above and beyond.

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September 30, 2007 by Chrissy.

I’ve had a few good days of late, and I’m feeling very blessed. My pain hasn’t been so bad, and I’m puttering around the house with a little more ease these days. Up until the fundraiser, I’ve not been doing so “hot” on a lot of levels - emotionally, from a pain standpoint, etc.

But, I’m embracing these last few days…

Went out on Friday night with a close friend, Hilary, and her boyfriend. They took us to NICO’s in Kensington for dinner. I don’t get out a lot, so I was pretty nervous as to how I’d do that late in the day. My worry stems from the “knowing” that after about 7 pm, this body of mine starts to shut down. The pain increases, my mobility decreases…and it sucks.

By the grace of God, I did well. I was able to really enjoy myself and not FAKE the smile on my face. I drank some wine, ate GREAT food and enjoyed some good conversation. We stayed ’til past 10 0′clock! (Geez, sounds like that song from Grease, “Summer Nights”…”we stayed out, ’til 10 o’clock”).

I then came home with a second wind and enjoyed husband/wife time with Tony…and NO, not that kind of husband/wife time -dirty, dirty…I meant just hangin’ out, which is something we don’t do too often. Tony often takes role of caregiver, and there’s never (or what seems to be never) time for the other part of our relationship, which I miss. We’re working on it cause it’s important to keep that side of our relationship.

As we work into a routine, and things begin to calm down from and “administration” standpoint, I trust that Tony and I will find more time for each other and nurture that part of our relationship.

Cancer not only changes your body, it changes the relationships in your life - especially those who take care of you. There’s time needed for adjustment, time needed to find your new wave (Que Onda), time to embrace your new way of life. We’re still trying to catch our wave…but I see it coming…and soon, with ease, we’ll catch that wave and ride it to the shore time and time again.

PS: Highly recommend NICO’s…it’s on Kensington Dr across from Peppino’s, the Italian sandwich shop.

PPS: Thanks again for all your love and support. We’re reading through all the emails we get. I wish I could email you all individually, but there’s not enough time in the day - there’s so many well wishers. WE LOVE YOU ALL!

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September 28, 2007 by Chrissy.

We got the results back from the MRI that was completed on my spine and pelvis. I now have one new tumor to add to my roster of nasty critters, but that’s OK. At least it is just one, not five. The tumors in my upper back as well as my lower back have also grown, but just a little.

All in all, not the news we hoped for. However, considering my circumstances, we expected this. Thankfully it is progressing slowly and not ripping through my body like a California wild fire.

Tony and I believe that all the alternative stuff we’ve committed to thus far has contributed to the slow progression of my disease, so we will continue with our routine. Tony has also revamped my eating habits even more - no sugar, all organic, lots of fruits and veggies. I miss sugar already!! I mean, I can have a little sugar…just in moderation is all.

Anyhoo, diet plays an important role in kicking cancer’s ass…so despite me bitching about not being able to have ice cream and giving Tony a hard time when he’s only got my best interest at heart, I’m willing to give up the sugar.

I ask for your continued prayers. Just cause I have one more tumor doesn’t mean “game over”…what do they say, “two steps forward, one step back”. This is just a glitch. I hope.

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September 27, 2007 by Chrissy.

My funky blues have left the building. Coming to the fundraiser on Tuesday night was the best, last minute, decision I’ve made as of late. I was not going to attend as I just finished two rounds in the MRI machine at Foothills (40 mins each) and was a sweaty, exhausted mess.

As we were driving home in the car, I had this need, this want, to go regardless that I didn’t feel well. I walked through the door and just walked into my bedroom, tossed on a outfit more suited for the occassion other than PJs…

As I walked into the venue, I was overwhelmed. Everywhere I looked, I saw people from every phase of my life - family, friends, parents of friends, high school friends, work buddies, people I don’t even know!

As I made my way through the crowd, I felt a renewal of hope. All of you were there for me…to see me heal…to see me fight…to see me emulate positivity. It was a saving grace that I went. Each of you, even though I didn’t get a chance to spend time with everyone, have helped to pull me out of this funk I’ve been in…and I’m forever thankful.

You are my angels. God has sent me everything and everyone that I need to meet this challenge. This is not easy and some days are good and some days are bad…but that’s cancer - unpredictable.

Once again, thank you for coming to support me and my family. We are so grateful for your love and support, not to mention all your comments of positive thoughts, ideas and suggestions to ensure that my healing bases are covered.

I wish I could send each and everyone of you a personal Thank You card -hugs and kisses included - but time is precious, my days are sort, so I trust you understand that time with my daughter, husband and healing is my priority. Just know that I think of you all and send thanks every night when I say my prayers.

Live life. No regrets. Pick Your Battles. Embrace Each Day. Be Grateful for the Things in You Life. Take NOTHING for Granted.

A cup of coffee, a tasty breakfast shared with family as the sun shines through the kitchen window is….a beautiful thing. It the start of a new day.

Love and Light

Crystal

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September 25, 2007 by Chrissy.

I wanted to take a moment and thank Kari Broda, once of my oldest, dearest friends, for arranging the fundraiser that is taking place this evening. I’m forever grateful for her commitment to make this event a success. Apparently, it’s turning into a bigger “gala” event than we could have imagined or wished for.

The generosity of Calgarians is overwhelming. I opened the Calgary Sun this morning to find an article on my family’s story…and I thought it was suppose to be in a pullout supplement. Instead, page five. Believe it or not, I’m a tad shy…and a tad uncomfortable being in the newspaper like that…but if it raises awareness about melanoma, then I can handle being on page five of the Calgary Sun. Not only that, but people are calling wanting to donate even more stuff to the silent auction tonight - which is great.

My hope is that we raise enough money so I can go to an alternative healing centre and meet with experts who can add valuable information to help my continued treatment.

I’m not sure if I will be there in person tonight, it depends on how I feel. But I ask that you all enjoy being with each other, catching up and enjoying a few bevvies in my honour.

Love ALL Ways,

Me

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September 25, 2007 by Chrissy.

At 4:30 pm this afternoon, I will once again find myself surrounded by medical machinery designed to scan my internal body. I’m not looking forward to it…being crammed into a machine that makes loud, crazy noises…and the only thing I have occupying my time, my mind is my thoughts.

Wanna talk about your mind racing 100 miles a minute…that’s what I’ll be experiencing in a few short hours…did the cancer spread? Has it stopped growing? By the Grace of God…have the tumors shrunk?

We’ve been working so hard with alternative healing options, and I really hope that our efforts have not gone in vien. Especially for Tony, who has read books and surfed the Net, met countless people who’ve offered bits of information here and there.

The big question is…how do we move forward if this cancer is growing? I don’t know if I have the strength to keep going. I’m tired. I pray for good news. I pray for good news….at worst, the tumors show no growth. At best, the tumors are shrinking.

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September 15, 2007 by Chrissy.

I’ve been working on thank you cards for our wedding, healing and baby shower gifts…but it’s taking longer than expected. My days are short…and sometimes it’s hard to find the time to sit and track down address and write thank you upon thank you. Especially when I want to spend my ‘good’ time with my baby. I trust you all understand.

Also, through the healing fund, I’ve been getting so many wonderful messages and I was want so badly to respond in person to each of them. I’m doing my best…so if you have not yet got a personal message from me…it will come, in time. Just know that I am forever grateful for everything everyone has ever done for me and for my family.

The support has been overwhelming - literally. There is no way that I could ever repay any of you for the love, support, kind words, prayers, thoughts, hugs, kisses, wishes, etc…

Well…Carah just walked in and I’ve not seen her in weeks…so I’m off to visit and snap out of this funktified mood…and I trust she can help me out.

Love and light - ciao for now,

Crystal

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September 15, 2007 by Chrissy.

I’m home. Trying to find our groove; not doing all that well to be honest. In a lot of pain, but we’re trying to find a balance of new drugs.

I’m not in the best of moods these past few days so I apologize for being a lump on a log. But, I’ve been MRS. POSITIVITY for far too long and now I need to be bitchy and mad at the world for awhile. At the end of the day, I’ve been handed a stick covered in sh*t, and I’m not entirely impressed. I mean, who would be?

I’ll get over this funk. That’s my nature. But for now, I’m going to take a few days to just be mad - mad at God, mad at my situation, mad that I can’t be the mother to by baby the way other mothers are able to be, mad that my poor husband has to play nurse maid to his wife and can’t just be a normal husband, mad that I’m in pain…everyday, mad that I don’t remember what “normal” feels like, mad that I’ve not been given my divine healing as I’ve prayed for every day, every moment….

You know, I’ve not really cried about my situation. I don’t think that’s healthy. I think I need to cry a little more…and maybe these feelings of anger will go away or at least not be so looming.

I wish I had a big bat…and some old windows. I’d love to just smash ‘em up. Now that’s therapy!

Never said this blog was going to be all roses & lilacs…so my bad if you came to check in with me hoping that all was well. The truth of the matter is cancer is like that…one day it’s OK, the next day it’s alright, the next day it’s not so bad, the next day is sucks ass.

One thing I know is that cancer is a journey…one hell of a journey. I wish someone would wake me from this nightmare.

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