A Hard Reality

October 26, 2007 by Chrissy.

Hard Reality

I’m now walking the fine line between accepting the fact that I’m dying and surrendering to that reality. What I’m struggling with is, does this mean I’m giving up? For the past few months I thought that I would spontaneously heal. It happens, about one in 200,000 people find a complete cure - no explanations. I’ve been praying, we’ve all been praying, that this would happen for me. But unfortunately, the cancer is spreading.

My energy has plummeted as of late. My mobility is not what it once was. I’m numbing on the left side of my body - arm, back of leg and butt. My pain has increased; thus, my medication has increased. Things are different - very different than they were previously. I’m not getting better. I wish I was, but my body is starting to slow down…and I’ve got to honor that. I’ve got to listen to her and give her the rest and peace to “just be”.

I’ve also decided to stick with the current healing regime that Tony and I have created. We are not going to “add” anything else to the agenda. In fact, we’re backing off on some stuff because I don’t have the energy to participate in much of what I was doing before. I would now rather be at home with my daughter and spend time with her, family and close friends.

I will still continue to eat as healthy as possible (except for my chocolate binges, which I’m entitled to). I will continue to take the Chinese herb regime that Tony has created. I will also continue with massage, BodyTalk and Reconnective Healing. I’m not about to lay down and call it quits yet. I do, however, have to face the reality that God wants me to return home…and I have to prepare for that. On many levels, I have not. I will ALWAYS hold out hope that I will heal. You never know. Never say never. I will try to remain positive and walk through this challenge with as much grace as possible.

I know this may be hard for some of you to read, but it’s the truth. I have to be very honest at this point in my life. It is what it is…and I have to respect that.

As I move forward, I’m determined to live each day. I’m not dead yet. I have time…and I will make the most of that time.

So…that’s where I’m at today. Tomorrow’s always another day, and I could wake feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

I still have goals and things to accomplish. I’m trying my hardest to go to Kelowna next week to the healing retreat. This is very important to me. I will do whatever it takes to go. I just pray that I’m feeling better. I ask that you send positive vibes - let’s make the Kelowna thing happen. Perhaps it will be what I need to kick-start my will to live, my will to beat this monster.

Love and light,

Crystal

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