Unpredictable Ocean Waves

October 19, 2007 by Chrissy.

Cancer is unpredictable, like waves crashing on the beach. Some waves politely tackle you and toss you into the sand, leaving you giddy and inspired. Other waves come with such force, grabbing your feet from beneath you, leaving you gasping for air as you run towards the shore. I have a healthy respect for the ocean. Well, maybe more of a healthy fear. The ocean reminds me of how small I am in relation to the world. The ocean reminds me of how beautiful the world is…how we are all one, one energy. The ocean gives me peace. It is one of my favourite places to be in the world. The beach. The ocean. The warmth. The life force.

I’m now trying to find a healthy respect for cancer. I’m trying to understand my cancer better. But, just when I think I have a grip on it, it changes. Like waves of the ocean, unpredictable.

I had an amazing weekend in Banff with my husband. My grandmother send us a wedding present, and we didn’t have a honeymoon as I just came out of radiation two days before. We decided to take the money and head to the mountains. In seven years of being together, we have never done the “Banff Weekend” like so many other Calgary couples do. So, we hopped in the car and headed West. I ended up having a great weekend, forgetting for a few days that I had cancer…well, almost forgetting. It’s hard to put it out of mind completely when you’re staring at your walker next to your bed or it’s time to pop another 15 pills with a meal.

We ordered room service - too much actually. Vegged in a big king sized bed. Watched movies. Did a little shopping, which I now enjoy again. Found a winter jacket that has been plaguing my mind…haven’t had the energy as of late to go and find one…but walked into one store and found exactly what I was looking for at a bargain price. One more thing off my list of “things to do”. We then met with some friends who came down on the Saturday for Fondue at the Grizzly House. And then on Sunday, we took our time and headed back to the city.

Being out of town really helped us get into another “space in time”. It was great for the psyche. Things seemed different. Our problems far away, and together we managed to be husband and wife. What a blessing; what a beautiful gift.

We returned home, and Monday morning turned into a nightmare. The pain was unbearable. My energy was non-existent. I could hardly hold myself up, and I found myself constantly whimpering. Every movement was painful. I wanted to die. I wanted to give up. For three days I suffered. (I’m not one for anger, but for the first time in years, I chucked a bunch of shit against my bedroom wall. I was set off by a bagel ordered from Tim Horton’s that arrived completely WRONG. Wrong type of bagel, wrong type of cream cheese…they even f*ck*d up on the COFFEE…I have to say, it felt good. I didn’t break anything. I kinda wish I had, but didn’t want to leave poor Tony to clean up a “real” mess). Anyhoo, sorry about the mild tangent…

SO, we brought in my doctor and nurse. They assessed the situation, upped my pain medications and things have been a little better. My lower back is still an issue…but it’s much better. I sometimes feel that if this cancer wasn’t in my back, I could tolerate this journey much better. However, it is what it is. I’ve got to accept it. There’s nothing I can do about it.

Some days I’m carried by calm and healing waves. Other days I’m taken by riptides - thrashed into the cold water, pulled far from shore, patiently waiting for the release so I can swim back to the beach and regroup. Just like you can’t predict the waves of the ocean, you can’t predict the tides of cancer either.

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