Crazy? Yes. Sexy? No. Cancer? School

October 13, 2007 by Chrissy.

Ciao-Ciao,

I trust all is well with everyone. I hope that you’re embracing each day - gratitude. Look for the little things…they’re everywhere. I wish you lots of laughter for this weekend. It feels good to laugh! And, laughing is healing…and healing is the name of my game.

CrazySexyCancer - My Thoughts.

Many people have commented that I should sit down and watch the TLC documentary called, “Crazy Sexy Cancer”. I have watched it a few weeks back, and I’ve been meaning to comment on it. Now, these are just my opinions…obviously very affected by the fact that I’ve been told I have terminal cancer…so, if you enjoyed the film, that’s cool. Overall, it was a great flick…a flick that only skimmed the surface of cancer and its affected on one’s body, one’s relationships, one’s connection with the Divine, etc.

I found myself feeling anger as the film rolled along. She’s beautiful, walking around without pain, driving in a car across country visiting different healing centres, not needing help to cook meals, get dressed, shower, lean over and grab something that has dropped on the floor….she seems healthy and happy for the most part. Perhaps I’m jealous? In fact, I’ll tell you that I am. She didn’t seem “sick” to me. She didn’t appear to be ravaged by some mysterious killer moving about her body.

I wish that I didn’t have cancer in my spine, my pelvis - this journey would be a little easier to navigate, so to speak. It’s the pain. The pain grinds on me. I pray for the days where my pain level is only a 2 out of 10. And from one day to the next, I don’t know how my body will respond to the rising sun.

I’m more like that woman in NY who was a tad quirky…looped on various drugs, crazy wigs that she changed all the time, numerous doctors’ visits, an intensely sarcastic sense of humour, and visited with several healing alternatives like drumming for the soul. The other women in the film that she followed alongside herself reflected more of what cancer is truly like. It was those characters…well, real people…that I resonated with. I could understand them…their pain, their struggle.

I don’t know. Perhaps the film makers were going for a more positive spin on the experience (and yes, there is a positive side to having cancer…still trying to that figure out). However, cancer is not all about road trips and sipping grass out of a sippy cup. It changes everything. EVERYTHING. My relationship with my husband is so very different. We’re still trying to understand how we “work” under these circumstances. I hate that he’s my nurse. I want him to just be my husband…but “in sickness and in health”, you’ve got to do for your partner what you gotta do. My interaction with my daughter, Mattea, is what breaks my heart the most. I can’t hold her standing up. I have a hard time cuddling her because of discomforts. Some mornings I’m in so much pain, I don’t want her around because she KNOWS that mommie isn’t well. She looks directly into my eyes, and she speaks to me. “It’s OK mom. I know. I understand. I love you.” What I wouldn’t give to have these tumors in my back vanish, so that I can hold her, toss her into the air, roll with her on the floor, push her in a stroller, take her swimming…the list goes on and on. I just wanna be like every other mom. I feel so fu*king robbed at times. This is when the anger kicks in.

When I’m healed, I won’t go back to work right away…I will take time off to be a “real” mom (in every sense of the word). I can’t wait for that…to chase her about a park as she screams with delight at the prospect that she’s gonna get caught. After all, mom’s better…and can run just as fast as she can. Then I grab her and we fall into a big pile of autumn leaves, and we both burst out in laughter.

After watching the film, Tony and I said that someone should follow us around for 24 hours and document our daily/nightly routine. Then, and only then, will you have an idea of what having and living with cancer is truly like. Taste the bitterness. My bad. I don’t mean to slam the film, I just wish they would have dug a little deeper.

For me, this experience is about acceptance…such an easy word to say, to spell, but one hell of a concept to actually “GET” and “APPLY”.

Cancer demands that you become a student, and I’m learning so many lessons - each day. I’ve entered doctorate school and don’t remember sending in the application. Oh well, I’ll open the textbooks; I’ll do my readings; I’ll attend my tutorials; I’ll hand in my assignments. I hope to pass with flying colours. I’ve never failed at anything in the past. Why start now? My healing continues.

CrazySexyCancer? Crazy, yes. Sexy, no.

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