October 26, 2007 by Chrissy.

Hard Reality

I’m now walking the fine line between accepting the fact that I’m dying and surrendering to that reality. What I’m struggling with is, does this mean I’m giving up? For the past few months I thought that I would spontaneously heal. It happens, about one in 200,000 people find a complete cure - no explanations. I’ve been praying, we’ve all been praying, that this would happen for me. But unfortunately, the cancer is spreading.

My energy has plummeted as of late. My mobility is not what it once was. I’m numbing on the left side of my body - arm, back of leg and butt. My pain has increased; thus, my medication has increased. Things are different - very different than they were previously. I’m not getting better. I wish I was, but my body is starting to slow down…and I’ve got to honor that. I’ve got to listen to her and give her the rest and peace to “just be”.

I’ve also decided to stick with the current healing regime that Tony and I have created. We are not going to “add” anything else to the agenda. In fact, we’re backing off on some stuff because I don’t have the energy to participate in much of what I was doing before. I would now rather be at home with my daughter and spend time with her, family and close friends.

I will still continue to eat as healthy as possible (except for my chocolate binges, which I’m entitled to). I will continue to take the Chinese herb regime that Tony has created. I will also continue with massage, BodyTalk and Reconnective Healing. I’m not about to lay down and call it quits yet. I do, however, have to face the reality that God wants me to return home…and I have to prepare for that. On many levels, I have not. I will ALWAYS hold out hope that I will heal. You never know. Never say never. I will try to remain positive and walk through this challenge with as much grace as possible.

I know this may be hard for some of you to read, but it’s the truth. I have to be very honest at this point in my life. It is what it is…and I have to respect that.

As I move forward, I’m determined to live each day. I’m not dead yet. I have time…and I will make the most of that time.

So…that’s where I’m at today. Tomorrow’s always another day, and I could wake feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

I still have goals and things to accomplish. I’m trying my hardest to go to Kelowna next week to the healing retreat. This is very important to me. I will do whatever it takes to go. I just pray that I’m feeling better. I ask that you send positive vibes - let’s make the Kelowna thing happen. Perhaps it will be what I need to kick-start my will to live, my will to beat this monster.

Love and light,

Crystal

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October 19, 2007 by Chrissy.

Cancer is unpredictable, like waves crashing on the beach. Some waves politely tackle you and toss you into the sand, leaving you giddy and inspired. Other waves come with such force, grabbing your feet from beneath you, leaving you gasping for air as you run towards the shore. I have a healthy respect for the ocean. Well, maybe more of a healthy fear. The ocean reminds me of how small I am in relation to the world. The ocean reminds me of how beautiful the world is…how we are all one, one energy. The ocean gives me peace. It is one of my favourite places to be in the world. The beach. The ocean. The warmth. The life force.

I’m now trying to find a healthy respect for cancer. I’m trying to understand my cancer better. But, just when I think I have a grip on it, it changes. Like waves of the ocean, unpredictable.

I had an amazing weekend in Banff with my husband. My grandmother send us a wedding present, and we didn’t have a honeymoon as I just came out of radiation two days before. We decided to take the money and head to the mountains. In seven years of being together, we have never done the “Banff Weekend” like so many other Calgary couples do. So, we hopped in the car and headed West. I ended up having a great weekend, forgetting for a few days that I had cancer…well, almost forgetting. It’s hard to put it out of mind completely when you’re staring at your walker next to your bed or it’s time to pop another 15 pills with a meal.

We ordered room service - too much actually. Vegged in a big king sized bed. Watched movies. Did a little shopping, which I now enjoy again. Found a winter jacket that has been plaguing my mind…haven’t had the energy as of late to go and find one…but walked into one store and found exactly what I was looking for at a bargain price. One more thing off my list of “things to do”. We then met with some friends who came down on the Saturday for Fondue at the Grizzly House. And then on Sunday, we took our time and headed back to the city.

Being out of town really helped us get into another “space in time”. It was great for the psyche. Things seemed different. Our problems far away, and together we managed to be husband and wife. What a blessing; what a beautiful gift.

We returned home, and Monday morning turned into a nightmare. The pain was unbearable. My energy was non-existent. I could hardly hold myself up, and I found myself constantly whimpering. Every movement was painful. I wanted to die. I wanted to give up. For three days I suffered. (I’m not one for anger, but for the first time in years, I chucked a bunch of shit against my bedroom wall. I was set off by a bagel ordered from Tim Horton’s that arrived completely WRONG. Wrong type of bagel, wrong type of cream cheese…they even f*ck*d up on the COFFEE…I have to say, it felt good. I didn’t break anything. I kinda wish I had, but didn’t want to leave poor Tony to clean up a “real” mess). Anyhoo, sorry about the mild tangent…

SO, we brought in my doctor and nurse. They assessed the situation, upped my pain medications and things have been a little better. My lower back is still an issue…but it’s much better. I sometimes feel that if this cancer wasn’t in my back, I could tolerate this journey much better. However, it is what it is. I’ve got to accept it. There’s nothing I can do about it.

Some days I’m carried by calm and healing waves. Other days I’m taken by riptides - thrashed into the cold water, pulled far from shore, patiently waiting for the release so I can swim back to the beach and regroup. Just like you can’t predict the waves of the ocean, you can’t predict the tides of cancer either.

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October 13, 2007 by Chrissy.

Ciao-Ciao,

I trust all is well with everyone. I hope that you’re embracing each day - gratitude. Look for the little things…they’re everywhere. I wish you lots of laughter for this weekend. It feels good to laugh! And, laughing is healing…and healing is the name of my game.

CrazySexyCancer - My Thoughts.

Many people have commented that I should sit down and watch the TLC documentary called, “Crazy Sexy Cancer”. I have watched it a few weeks back, and I’ve been meaning to comment on it. Now, these are just my opinions…obviously very affected by the fact that I’ve been told I have terminal cancer…so, if you enjoyed the film, that’s cool. Overall, it was a great flick…a flick that only skimmed the surface of cancer and its affected on one’s body, one’s relationships, one’s connection with the Divine, etc.

I found myself feeling anger as the film rolled along. She’s beautiful, walking around without pain, driving in a car across country visiting different healing centres, not needing help to cook meals, get dressed, shower, lean over and grab something that has dropped on the floor….she seems healthy and happy for the most part. Perhaps I’m jealous? In fact, I’ll tell you that I am. She didn’t seem “sick” to me. She didn’t appear to be ravaged by some mysterious killer moving about her body.

I wish that I didn’t have cancer in my spine, my pelvis - this journey would be a little easier to navigate, so to speak. It’s the pain. The pain grinds on me. I pray for the days where my pain level is only a 2 out of 10. And from one day to the next, I don’t know how my body will respond to the rising sun.

I’m more like that woman in NY who was a tad quirky…looped on various drugs, crazy wigs that she changed all the time, numerous doctors’ visits, an intensely sarcastic sense of humour, and visited with several healing alternatives like drumming for the soul. The other women in the film that she followed alongside herself reflected more of what cancer is truly like. It was those characters…well, real people…that I resonated with. I could understand them…their pain, their struggle.

I don’t know. Perhaps the film makers were going for a more positive spin on the experience (and yes, there is a positive side to having cancer…still trying to that figure out). However, cancer is not all about road trips and sipping grass out of a sippy cup. It changes everything. EVERYTHING. My relationship with my husband is so very different. We’re still trying to understand how we “work” under these circumstances. I hate that he’s my nurse. I want him to just be my husband…but “in sickness and in health”, you’ve got to do for your partner what you gotta do. My interaction with my daughter, Mattea, is what breaks my heart the most. I can’t hold her standing up. I have a hard time cuddling her because of discomforts. Some mornings I’m in so much pain, I don’t want her around because she KNOWS that mommie isn’t well. She looks directly into my eyes, and she speaks to me. “It’s OK mom. I know. I understand. I love you.” What I wouldn’t give to have these tumors in my back vanish, so that I can hold her, toss her into the air, roll with her on the floor, push her in a stroller, take her swimming…the list goes on and on. I just wanna be like every other mom. I feel so fu*king robbed at times. This is when the anger kicks in.

When I’m healed, I won’t go back to work right away…I will take time off to be a “real” mom (in every sense of the word). I can’t wait for that…to chase her about a park as she screams with delight at the prospect that she’s gonna get caught. After all, mom’s better…and can run just as fast as she can. Then I grab her and we fall into a big pile of autumn leaves, and we both burst out in laughter.

After watching the film, Tony and I said that someone should follow us around for 24 hours and document our daily/nightly routine. Then, and only then, will you have an idea of what having and living with cancer is truly like. Taste the bitterness. My bad. I don’t mean to slam the film, I just wish they would have dug a little deeper.

For me, this experience is about acceptance…such an easy word to say, to spell, but one hell of a concept to actually “GET” and “APPLY”.

Cancer demands that you become a student, and I’m learning so many lessons - each day. I’ve entered doctorate school and don’t remember sending in the application. Oh well, I’ll open the textbooks; I’ll do my readings; I’ll attend my tutorials; I’ll hand in my assignments. I hope to pass with flying colours. I’ve never failed at anything in the past. Why start now? My healing continues.

CrazySexyCancer? Crazy, yes. Sexy, no.

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October 7, 2007 by Chrissy.

…if only I knew that a conversation I had once with Tony would carry into the future to become a reality.

Tony and I were living in Costa Rica, and the mole on my eyelid started to darken and get bigger. It was also starting to cause some “gooping” in the mornings and made it hard for me to wear contacts. We were discussing the option of forfeiting my ticket home, but Tony suggested I go back and get the mole checked out - just in case.

I sat on the bed and stared at him for a moment. I’m not usually emotional, but tears welled up in my eyes. I looked at him and said, “what if the mole is cancer and they have to remove my right eye?” Tony started to laugh and stated, “that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard”. And we both started to laugh.

Turns out, that conversation turned into reality later that year. I returned home, one doctor led to the next, which led to the next and removing my right eye was a very real option. Thankfully, I had three talented surgeons who all fought hard to save my right eye…and I was cancer free by December 2005…or so we thought.

No one knows when the cancer came back. It could have been the day they stitched me up from my final plastic surgery…or maybe it reappeared the day I became pregnant - hormones started to rage as my body started to “shake and bake” a new human life.

And…I recall years ago when Tony and I were younger and first started to date. We were discussing things we “wouldn’t be able to handle”. Being young and vein, the first topic was disfigurement. We both echoed that neither of us would be able to handle any scaring or disfigurement of the face (few years later, I faced that reality…and found the strength to deal with disfigurement if that’s what was going to be). The next topic was watching a loved one wilt away of a terrible disease…and here we find ourselves in a reality that was once documented as one of our biggest fears.

One good thing has come of this, I won’t have to wear a pirate patch. That bridge has come and gone. I’m happy that I still have my two eyes…that’s vanity for yeah!

Funny conversations.

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October 1, 2007 by Chrissy.

Up until three days before my benefit shin-dig, I finally met a woman who has done so much for my family in the past few weeks. What’s special is that she lent a hand without ever meeting me.

This perfect stranger, or shall I say angel, heard about my story via some friends working the high dining cir cut at the Stampede. From there, she made contact with us via my next door neighbour (Six Degrees of Separation - who also knows my perfect stranger and who is also an amazing soul.)

She met Tony first and jumped into helping us with whatever we needed. Tony would go visit with her and her hubby and every time Tony left to meet with her, he’d come back with the best healing gifts - the mother Buddha statue, a mini indoor waterfall and wine galore. And those of you who know me well know that wine is my WEAKNESS!

Anyhoo, not only did this perfect stranger give of gifts, but she gave me something more important - hope and a renewed belief that there are so many amazing people out there in the world who are willing to help with huge sacrifice.

My perfect stranger gave so much of her time, her energy, her heart. And she did all of this without ever even meeting me. The day I finally shook her hand, I looked at her and felt I had known her a long, long time.

I look for to having her, and her husband, in my life.

A toast to my perfect stranger.

PS: And yes, I love ALL of you…and appreciate everything you do for me…I just wanted to send a special shout out to a really amazing soul who has gone above and beyond.

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